Part of being married or part of being in a family in general is the day to day give and take. You have to watch your innate selfishness and realize at times that it isn't all about you. It isn't all about what you want only. You have to take into consideration all members of the family and come to a general consensus.
Sometimes this is very hard. Today I am struggling with this give and take. I'm struggling so much that I can feel the anger welling up inside me and the tears on the verge of springing from my eyes. It's silly though and so I write my thoughts out. I write my thoughts out so I don't lash out in anger at those that I love the most in the world. I write to get my thoughts out and organized and I write so I can work through these feelings that I have.
I want a puppy. I don't know why but a puppy is something that I think would bring happiness to our family. She could teach the children about responsibility and we would have another family member to love. Hubby does not want a puppy. I see his point. Puppies take up a lot of time. Puppies chew and shed and bark to go out in the middle of the night. I know all of those things but in my heart or hearts I really want a puppy and I don't know what to do about it.
Awhile back hubby had said when summertime came we could talk more about it. The children and I would be home and could devote our time to raising her right. Yesterday, hubby and #2 and I went to lunch. A pet store was nearby and #2 begged us to go in. I said, "No" because I knew the emotions it would bring up in me. It's hard wanting something you can't have. Hubby said, "yes...let's just look". Well, we saw a puppy that took to us....she was adorable and now I can't get her out of my mind.
Last night and this morning I told hubby how I felt he was being unfair. He can't expect to talk about dogs and take me to a store and than say, "no". He says he is struggling with the responsibility a dog would bring to our lives. The thought of more responsibility makes him freak out inside and brings him to a place in his head he doesn't want to be. I love my husband more than I want a puppy. I don't want him to be anxious inside every time he comes home. This is the give and take. I know if the roles were reversed and an animal brought anxiety to my life he would side with me as well. I know this in my head but in my heart I hold onto how unfair it is that at one point he says, "yes" and than when we get to summertime he says, "No".
How do I get past this? How do I stop wanting something that I want? What's the big deal? Why can't I just say, "Okay...we aren't going to have a pet..no big deal." Why can't I enjoy my brother's dog and my parents dog? Why am I behaving like a child?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jon and Kate and other nastiness..
I was going to avoid the subject of Jon and Kate plus 8 because the media has taken this story and beat it to death. But their story reminds me of something else that has been bothering me lately and I'm going to try to tie it all in together.
I have been a fan of this show from the beginning. Call me crazy but watching Kate each week made me feel normal as a mom. We all have those moments when we lose it and I for one lose it often (or at least feel like I'm losing it) and I only have two children. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would be like if I was filmed constantly and I had 8 children...well, 9 if my husband was anything like Jon. The thing that bothers me about their story of late is that the media, people who are not fans, and most importantly fellow mom's are jumping on this band wagon and blowing this woman apart. What did she ever do to you? Maybe you don't like her personality...maybe she really is terrible in real life but how do you know this? And why does this give you the right to tear her apart, pick apart her life and splash it all across the magazines, Internet and TV? Why do people seem to be happy about cutting others down? She is a person with real live feelings, not some character out of a book or from your favorite sitcom. You could argue that they opened themselves up to this by being on television, but where do you draw the line? Why is it so important for people to cut others down? Is it a way of making yourself feel better? What benefit do people get from being so nasty to others?
At the beginning of the school year my principal told us a story about a bucket of crabs. He said if you watch the bucket you can see some crabs trying to climb out and meanwhile other crabs in the bucket are trying to pull them back down. Instead of helping their friends to escape they pull them back down into the bucket. He told us this story in the hopes that we would really work as a team this year and celebrate each others accomplishments instead of being nasty when other succeed.
I think overall we have done well with this as a school but lately I see the nastiness coming out. People are vying for the same jobs and instead of encouraging each other some are actually sabotaging each other. Some teachers are refusing to talk to others because they are applying for the same positions. One teacher today actually said she wasn't going to speak to another teacher if she got a job before her because everyone knew she was just going to brown nose her way to the top. As the counselor I am everyone's confidant...they have no problem talking about each other to me. Today I had enough and declared that we were all acting like that bucket of crabs. It's time for us to encourage each other and help each other to succeed rather than cutting each other down.
I see this as a mom too....other mom's cutting each other down to make themselves feel better. Why? I guess I just can't figure out why nastiness and meanness is necessary? Why does making others feel bad make some people feel so good? It may sound naive but why can't we all just get along?
I have been a fan of this show from the beginning. Call me crazy but watching Kate each week made me feel normal as a mom. We all have those moments when we lose it and I for one lose it often (or at least feel like I'm losing it) and I only have two children. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would be like if I was filmed constantly and I had 8 children...well, 9 if my husband was anything like Jon. The thing that bothers me about their story of late is that the media, people who are not fans, and most importantly fellow mom's are jumping on this band wagon and blowing this woman apart. What did she ever do to you? Maybe you don't like her personality...maybe she really is terrible in real life but how do you know this? And why does this give you the right to tear her apart, pick apart her life and splash it all across the magazines, Internet and TV? Why do people seem to be happy about cutting others down? She is a person with real live feelings, not some character out of a book or from your favorite sitcom. You could argue that they opened themselves up to this by being on television, but where do you draw the line? Why is it so important for people to cut others down? Is it a way of making yourself feel better? What benefit do people get from being so nasty to others?
At the beginning of the school year my principal told us a story about a bucket of crabs. He said if you watch the bucket you can see some crabs trying to climb out and meanwhile other crabs in the bucket are trying to pull them back down. Instead of helping their friends to escape they pull them back down into the bucket. He told us this story in the hopes that we would really work as a team this year and celebrate each others accomplishments instead of being nasty when other succeed.
I think overall we have done well with this as a school but lately I see the nastiness coming out. People are vying for the same jobs and instead of encouraging each other some are actually sabotaging each other. Some teachers are refusing to talk to others because they are applying for the same positions. One teacher today actually said she wasn't going to speak to another teacher if she got a job before her because everyone knew she was just going to brown nose her way to the top. As the counselor I am everyone's confidant...they have no problem talking about each other to me. Today I had enough and declared that we were all acting like that bucket of crabs. It's time for us to encourage each other and help each other to succeed rather than cutting each other down.
I see this as a mom too....other mom's cutting each other down to make themselves feel better. Why? I guess I just can't figure out why nastiness and meanness is necessary? Why does making others feel bad make some people feel so good? It may sound naive but why can't we all just get along?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Unwritten rules....
I think there must be a rule somewhere that when mom's become grandmothers all rules get thrown out the window.
When I was a child my parents belonged to a food coop. I remember eating tofu and puffed wheat. I remember fresh vegetables from our garden and sweets only on special occasions. I remember hearing the ice cream man and knowing that we didn't eat expensive ice cream from a truck when we had perfectly good frozen yogurt in the freezer.
So why is it that now that my mom is a grandmother she delights in feeding my children junk? Why is it that one dessert isn't enough? Why is it that the freshfoodaholic from my childhood finds nothing wrong with a chocolate bar washed down with chocolate milk for breakfast?
I'm thinking that second dessert wouldn't be such a bad idea...but the children have to spend the night at mema's in order for it to happen. There's no way they are setting foot in my house on that sugar high!
When I was a child my parents belonged to a food coop. I remember eating tofu and puffed wheat. I remember fresh vegetables from our garden and sweets only on special occasions. I remember hearing the ice cream man and knowing that we didn't eat expensive ice cream from a truck when we had perfectly good frozen yogurt in the freezer.
So why is it that now that my mom is a grandmother she delights in feeding my children junk? Why is it that one dessert isn't enough? Why is it that the freshfoodaholic from my childhood finds nothing wrong with a chocolate bar washed down with chocolate milk for breakfast?
I'm thinking that second dessert wouldn't be such a bad idea...but the children have to spend the night at mema's in order for it to happen. There's no way they are setting foot in my house on that sugar high!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Thought for the day....
It's been a rough day so far. The "unofficial" list of openings for next year is out and the two schools I was counting on as being possibilites are not on the list. My superivisor assures me that this list is not "official" yet and we need to wait until next week to see what is what. I've had my cry and now I'm trying to focus on just moving forward. I read this quote which I know I need to read over and over to keep myself present centered and focused.
"Some people are making such thorough plans for rainy days that they aren't enjoying today's sunshine."---William Feather
"Some people are making such thorough plans for rainy days that they aren't enjoying today's sunshine."---William Feather
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
bittersweet...
On one hand, I am thrilled that we only have 13 days left of school until summer vacation. We have swim lessons, a trip to NYC, our 13 year anniversary, my birthday, #1's birthday, #2's birthday, summer camp, swimming, boating, beaching and relaxing to look forward to. I can look forward to trying new recipes, time off from work, having a clean house, playing with my children, reading books and relaxing. Life slows down during the summer and it is my favorite time of year.
On the other hand, there is still the uncertainty of where and if I will have a job next school year and the sadness that comes along with the school closing for good. Friday night we are having a carnival free for all families past and present, in another week we will have a "happy hour" night for all faculty and staff and than the Saturday after school closes we will have on big goodbye picnic for all faculty,staff, PTA and our families. We are winding down. So many great memories have been developed over the past six years that I have spent at this school. Things are going to be so different.
I'm trying to look at this as a positive. This is a chance for a new beginning. On to bigger and better things. I just need to figure out what those bigger and better things are...
On the other hand, there is still the uncertainty of where and if I will have a job next school year and the sadness that comes along with the school closing for good. Friday night we are having a carnival free for all families past and present, in another week we will have a "happy hour" night for all faculty and staff and than the Saturday after school closes we will have on big goodbye picnic for all faculty,staff, PTA and our families. We are winding down. So many great memories have been developed over the past six years that I have spent at this school. Things are going to be so different.
I'm trying to look at this as a positive. This is a chance for a new beginning. On to bigger and better things. I just need to figure out what those bigger and better things are...
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Name Game
In order to make this post relevant, I have to reveal the names of myself and my immediate family. This blog (up until this point) was relatively anonymous and I suppose that even if I do tell you our first names we will still be somewhat anonymous. To tell or not to tell....hmmm...oh what the heck...I was never any good at secrets anyway and lately it seems like I only have one or two blog readers (based on all of you non-commenter's....yeah, I'm talking about you!) so it doesn't matter much anyway.....
I have a very common first name. I was one of 5 Jennifer's in my first grade class. It was extremely frustrating to be called "Jennifer P" throughout that year and I longed to have a name that only I had. I went through phases where I spelled my name "Jenn" instead of "Jen" or "Jennie" instead of "Jenny" in an effort to be different. I was born in the early 70's and I think all of my friends parents watched "Love Story" at the same time my parents did and decided they needed to have a daughter named "Jenny".
My husband, on the other hand has a very uncommon first name. He was the only Hugo in his first grade class. He hated his name and was made fun of mercilessly his whole elementary career..."Hey, where did You-go??"
When it came time for us to name our children we wanted names that weren't too common (like mine) and names that weren't too different (like hubby's). We wanted middle of the road names that still could be said in Italian for my husband's relatives who do not speak English. #1 was named Michael after my grandfather who passed away the year before he was born. We liked how it sounded in Italian and liked how it sounded with our last name. It suited us and we actually agreed on it right away. #2 was a little harder. We couldn't agree on a girls name that we both liked. We played around with the idea of "Julia" for awhile but then "The Wedding Singer" came out and Drew Barrymore spoke the words, "My name will be Julia Goolia" and we knew we couldn't do that to a child.
After much discussion we agreed on the name Emma. We loved the oldfashioness of it and neither of us knew an Emma. One night late in the pregnancy we were watching "Friends" and almost died when Ross and Rachel decided to name their child "Emma". It was "Love Story" all over again! By that time it was too late because we both loved the name and in our hearts we knew we had named our daughter first. They copied us, not the other way around!
Today, hubby called me at work because of an article on Yahoo. Evidently, Emma is the number one name for girls. Michael? Yeah, that one is number two for boys! We can't win! I must say though...up until this point we have been lucky. There are no other Emma's at our school and Michael is only 1 of 2 in his grade. I just hope they don't go through what I went through though. 5 Jennifer's was just too many!
I have a very common first name. I was one of 5 Jennifer's in my first grade class. It was extremely frustrating to be called "Jennifer P" throughout that year and I longed to have a name that only I had. I went through phases where I spelled my name "Jenn" instead of "Jen" or "Jennie" instead of "Jenny" in an effort to be different. I was born in the early 70's and I think all of my friends parents watched "Love Story" at the same time my parents did and decided they needed to have a daughter named "Jenny".
My husband, on the other hand has a very uncommon first name. He was the only Hugo in his first grade class. He hated his name and was made fun of mercilessly his whole elementary career..."Hey, where did You-go??"
When it came time for us to name our children we wanted names that weren't too common (like mine) and names that weren't too different (like hubby's). We wanted middle of the road names that still could be said in Italian for my husband's relatives who do not speak English. #1 was named Michael after my grandfather who passed away the year before he was born. We liked how it sounded in Italian and liked how it sounded with our last name. It suited us and we actually agreed on it right away. #2 was a little harder. We couldn't agree on a girls name that we both liked. We played around with the idea of "Julia" for awhile but then "The Wedding Singer" came out and Drew Barrymore spoke the words, "My name will be Julia Goolia" and we knew we couldn't do that to a child.
After much discussion we agreed on the name Emma. We loved the oldfashioness of it and neither of us knew an Emma. One night late in the pregnancy we were watching "Friends" and almost died when Ross and Rachel decided to name their child "Emma". It was "Love Story" all over again! By that time it was too late because we both loved the name and in our hearts we knew we had named our daughter first. They copied us, not the other way around!
Today, hubby called me at work because of an article on Yahoo. Evidently, Emma is the number one name for girls. Michael? Yeah, that one is number two for boys! We can't win! I must say though...up until this point we have been lucky. There are no other Emma's at our school and Michael is only 1 of 2 in his grade. I just hope they don't go through what I went through though. 5 Jennifer's was just too many!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The journey we're on..
Today I took the day off of work to be with my mom. Her last session of chemotherapy was today. It was awesome to see her finally done with the first part of her treatment but it also feels kind of strange. Her feelings are bittersweet. She said while she was getting chemo she knew there was no chance of the cancer coming back...now that she's done with the chemo we face the uncertainty ahead....
Will she tolerate the six weeks of daily radiation as well as she tolerated the chemo? When will her hair start growing back? Will the cancer come back?
I was so glad I was able to be there with her today but it was hard to see all the people in the infusion room and wonder what their stories were all about. One woman was there and she couldn't have been older than 25. She's younger than I am and she has cancer. Many people had family members there but many came in alone. We were there for 7 hours today and it felt very long. We played cards, read books and magazines and talked. My dad came at about 1:00 and brought us lunch. I left at 3:00 to pick up my children from school and dad stayed with her. At 3:30 I got the call that she was done.
We're going to celebrate on Mother's Day. All of us together.
Will she tolerate the six weeks of daily radiation as well as she tolerated the chemo? When will her hair start growing back? Will the cancer come back?
I was so glad I was able to be there with her today but it was hard to see all the people in the infusion room and wonder what their stories were all about. One woman was there and she couldn't have been older than 25. She's younger than I am and she has cancer. Many people had family members there but many came in alone. We were there for 7 hours today and it felt very long. We played cards, read books and magazines and talked. My dad came at about 1:00 and brought us lunch. I left at 3:00 to pick up my children from school and dad stayed with her. At 3:30 I got the call that she was done.
We're going to celebrate on Mother's Day. All of us together.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
lice, pin worms and other nasties...
**Gross out Warning! I am feeling queasy just writing this post...if you have a weak stomach then just pass it by...you've been warned!!
This week has been just one in the series of times that I ask myself, "why didn't anyone ever tell me about this when I was talking about having children??" I mean it starts with poopy diapers that "Blow out" and progresses to vomit that "projectiles". I thought it couldn't get any worse then that but apparently it can, and it does.
When I was pregnant with #2 we were introduced into the lovely world of lice. Those nasty bugs that only "other people's children" get. Working in a school I had heard about children getting lice but never gave it much thought until the day that my own head started itching like you wouldn't believe. You guessed it...I had lice! What a glorious evening we had of picking nits out of my hair, vacuuming the rug and mopping the floor again and again. Not to mention checking hubby and #1's hair vigilantly and making sure we washed everything that could be washed. It was indeed a disturbing introduction into the world of bugs that live in your hair..ugh!
This week we had an infestation of lice throughout the kindergarten and as I sat in the nurses office helping her (with gloves on of course) check children's heads I couldn't help but think.."This isn't what I got my Master's for!" Thankfully (knock on wood) my own family did not get lice...but my friends it gets worse....much worse.
Friday night #2 was laying on the couch and all of a sudden she starts shrieking at the top of her lungs that her butt is itching. Now #2 is prone to drama ( you already know this if you read my blog at all) so I calmly told her she probably hadn't wiped good enough so go and check in the bathroom. She did this but then still complained that it itched. Hubby offhandedly said to me..."check her butt, maybe she has pin worms". I had no idea what he meant and he starts explaining about these worms that live in your intestines...I stopped listening because the thought was just to gross. So, I take her into the bathroom to look at her butt and you guess it...I could see these little white things poking out...I almost threw up on the spot! Who knew??? Worms that live in your intestines?? My friends, this is a whole new level of gross! Google it if you don't believe me!!
We did google it and found out that we all needed to take a medicine called "pin-x" and wash the sheets and vacuum the floor and clean the toilets and on and on and on. Ugh! This was hands down the worst thing imaginable when you think about grosser then gross things. Okay..I take that back because getting your leg cut off or breaking an arm would be pretty gross too but this was just normal everyday gross. #2 sucks her fingers still (yes, I know..I know..she's almost 7 but it's apparently I hard habit to break but that's another post all together) so she probably picked the microscopic eggs up from somewhere on her fingers and then the rest is history.
The moral of the story? Wash your hands constantly because there are some pretty gross things out there. When I called my mom in horror do you know what she said to me? "Oh yeah...I know about pin worms...you had them when you were 5. We all had to drink this nasty medicine and wash all the sheets.." Now she tells me! So, consider yourselves warned, my friends. Parenting can indeed be a really nasty job.
This week has been just one in the series of times that I ask myself, "why didn't anyone ever tell me about this when I was talking about having children??" I mean it starts with poopy diapers that "Blow out" and progresses to vomit that "projectiles". I thought it couldn't get any worse then that but apparently it can, and it does.
When I was pregnant with #2 we were introduced into the lovely world of lice. Those nasty bugs that only "other people's children" get. Working in a school I had heard about children getting lice but never gave it much thought until the day that my own head started itching like you wouldn't believe. You guessed it...I had lice! What a glorious evening we had of picking nits out of my hair, vacuuming the rug and mopping the floor again and again. Not to mention checking hubby and #1's hair vigilantly and making sure we washed everything that could be washed. It was indeed a disturbing introduction into the world of bugs that live in your hair..ugh!
This week we had an infestation of lice throughout the kindergarten and as I sat in the nurses office helping her (with gloves on of course) check children's heads I couldn't help but think.."This isn't what I got my Master's for!" Thankfully (knock on wood) my own family did not get lice...but my friends it gets worse....much worse.
Friday night #2 was laying on the couch and all of a sudden she starts shrieking at the top of her lungs that her butt is itching. Now #2 is prone to drama ( you already know this if you read my blog at all) so I calmly told her she probably hadn't wiped good enough so go and check in the bathroom. She did this but then still complained that it itched. Hubby offhandedly said to me..."check her butt, maybe she has pin worms". I had no idea what he meant and he starts explaining about these worms that live in your intestines...I stopped listening because the thought was just to gross. So, I take her into the bathroom to look at her butt and you guess it...I could see these little white things poking out...I almost threw up on the spot! Who knew??? Worms that live in your intestines?? My friends, this is a whole new level of gross! Google it if you don't believe me!!
We did google it and found out that we all needed to take a medicine called "pin-x" and wash the sheets and vacuum the floor and clean the toilets and on and on and on. Ugh! This was hands down the worst thing imaginable when you think about grosser then gross things. Okay..I take that back because getting your leg cut off or breaking an arm would be pretty gross too but this was just normal everyday gross. #2 sucks her fingers still (yes, I know..I know..she's almost 7 but it's apparently I hard habit to break but that's another post all together) so she probably picked the microscopic eggs up from somewhere on her fingers and then the rest is history.
The moral of the story? Wash your hands constantly because there are some pretty gross things out there. When I called my mom in horror do you know what she said to me? "Oh yeah...I know about pin worms...you had them when you were 5. We all had to drink this nasty medicine and wash all the sheets.." Now she tells me! So, consider yourselves warned, my friends. Parenting can indeed be a really nasty job.
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